the nightmare before kitschmas

I'm embarrassed to say that after living in KC for over 14 years, this is the first time I've laid eyes on the most disturbing display of kitsch in the metro - it's been lurking in our fair city for decades. And I love it.

Like any life-changing event, there are no words for the Falmouth House -

He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

He knows how to frighten you into believing...

Gingerbread is a hoot!

So the Ninjabread Men cooky cutters were sold out - again. No worries. It gave me an excuse to feather our cooky jar with gingerbread owls this year!

It's the most won-der-ful time of the year...

Time to dust the flour off of this -

& mix up the dough for these -

What's on your cooky sheet this weekend?

WTF?!? Friday: Just Smurfy

WTF popped over the side of the muffin cup this morning?! I don't know, but judging by the slabs of butter, this 'shroom cap is going to need a little something on the side to pull it down your gullet.

Happy Friday.

Tipsy Tuesday: Serve Wine as a Beverage!

The good book [The Good Housekeeping Cookbook (c)'63] really has some stellar ideas when it comes to wining and dining. Did you know that -

- Wine adds a decided zest to cooking?
- Wine adds the master touch, the "French atmosphere" to many desserts, especially cut-up fruit?
- Soups such as oxtail, lentil, etc. taste better if dry or medium sherry is added?
- Wine is as easy to serve correctly as tea or coffee?
- It's perfectly correct to serve any wine any time you wish? [to which I absolutely concur!]

Can you imagine the test kitchen getting tipsy deciding which vino is worthy of the coveted Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval? Undoubtly, slim cigarettes were being smoked in tandem, and some Esquivel was spinning on the record player.

Here, have a listen - and a cocktail - I insist!

In lieu of a recipe, I offer up GH's parings for your "more formal" holiday feasts - so you can swill in style:

With oysters: Chablis or champagne
With soup: pale sherry or dry Maderia
With fish: champagne or dry white table wines
With entrees: claret
With roast or game: Burgundy
With sweets: champagne or sweet sauterne
With cheese: port, sweet sherry or Maderia

Or, if you're more like me, you're more likely to uncork some three-buck chuck. Cheers!

Holiday Housekeeping

Ready to wow a crowd? Provide nibblers and dippers for fabulous friends and corrupt coworkers? Find out what the elusive - and savvy - Susan would construct in her kitchen on such occasions?

Me, too. That's why I picked up a copy of the Good Housekeeping Cookbook {c}'63 for a dollar on my antique/flea pilgrimage [hey, it was just Thanksgiving] on 'First Friday' this weekend in Kansas City.

I'll be back as soon as I page through - promise.

Go forth. And Gobble.

That's an order from Pilgrim John.

Shepherd's Pie. In Technicolor.

Nothing holds color like frozen mixed vegetables. And nothing brings out their Technicolor dream of bold orange, yellow and green like a generous helping of ketchup.

And - as I learned the hard way - nothing brings Ben and Margie's gag reflexes forward like the trashy American-style "traditional" shepherd's pie.

I believe the entire Roy G Biv spectrum is represented in this casserole. Don't you agree?

Next time, I'll opt for herding the family to McDonald's.

WTF?!? Friday: Loafing

Wow.

What's sandwiched between these albino slices of, um, bread? And what is serving as the fluffy insulation? The purity of this luncheon loaf is questionable - without question. I wouldn't pull this out at the bridge party until the ladies had polished off a pitcher of Long Island iced tea.

Tipsy Tuesday: Ouch!

This swell swill is the bee's knees!

"Come on, Danny. Grab the brandy and get jiggy with that outta-sight shaker!"

Stinger
Combine in a cocktail shaker:
1 cup shaved ice
1 jigger brandy
1 jigger white creme de menthe


Shake. Strain. Pour, honey! Drink until there's some swizzle in your stick.

WTF?!? Friday: Sweeney Todd-Style

Wow. WTF?! is nestled inside this leafy lettuce cup?! It's like Mrs. Lovett's mystery meat --- salad. Thanks for this one, Benjamin Barker. It's definitely the demon salad of WTF Friday.

A Wholesome Halloween

Once upon a time, the freaks didn't come out at night. They didn't come out at all. Knee socks, loafers and a smartly carved jack-o-lantern did the trick when it came to treating. Boo to that.

Now head out there and put some happy - or haggard - into someone's Halloween!

Molday Monday Night

In the spirit of All Hallow's Eve, I couldn't resist these gag-inducing individual servings of horror. What's in the genetic make up of these Knox-congealed salads? And what in the hell is the grody garnish? Looks like a dessert only the Crypt Keeper would love...

Freak Show

I'm a freak magnent. Every so [more] often [than not] I find an 'Odd Todd' in my path, wanting to make friends.

Over the past several weeks, I've had a bit of a sideshow when it comes to side items. There is no Mother Teresa in a tortilla, but have a look-see:

[peace, love - and onion rings from ihop]

[bowlegged - or siamese - carrots. straight from the celophane]

What odd edibles have you seen - or tasted?!

Moldy Monday Night

This mold? Looks like it just came up - not like it's about to be sliced, served and headed down the hatch. What makes this bold mold blush?!

Sugar & Spice & Homer Price

This is one of my favorite books:

This is one of my favorite fall comfort foods [served warm & wrapped at our favorite pumpkin patch]:

I wish I had a donut machine that would produce pumpkin donuts like these in Homer Price time. Since I don[u]'t, here's the recipe that helps make treats like these a reality in my family. Sucks to be  you, Krispy Kreme!

Pumpkin Donuts
2 eggs
1 cup sugar
1 cup canned pumpkin
½ cup buttermilk
4 cups flour
2 tablespoons oil
2 teaspoons salt
4 teaspoons baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon nutmeg
½ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
Sugar for coating

Beat eggs and sugar until they are light and fluffy. Add the oil, pumpkin and buttermilk to the egg & sugar mixture. Mix dry ingredients together and add to the main mixture.
Chill for 1 hour. Turn out onto a floured board and roll to ½ inch thickness.
Cut shapes with a donut cutter. Deep fry until golden brown on one side.
Turn over [that's what she said]. Fry until the other side is also golden brown. Strain well and roll in sugar to serve.

Moldy Monday.

I

I think the term, "we go together like peas & carrots" is charming. But peas, carrots, corn, Knox and green onion?! Notsomuch.

WTF?! Friday

WTF?! is this one-skillet sludge? And who threw together the layers lingering in this limp, lifeless dish? I think I'm going to throw...up. 

Tipsy Tuesday: swill your breakfast

This Tipsy Tuesday I've got a stomach turner, on the rocks. How about a...

Coffee Cocktail
In a cocktail shaker, pour over ice:
The yolk of 1 egg
1 dash coffee liqueur
1 jigger port wine
1 jigger brandy
1 barspoon sugar
& a dash of grated nutmeg over drink [at this point, why not?]

Shake, strain and serve in a 4 oz. cocktail glass - and I'd considering serving with toast points as chasers, to settle your stomach.

Moldy Monday

What has unnaturally congealed in this infinite ring of salad?

And how blech can it be if peas are the piece de resistance?

Pretty sure I could resist it.

Rah Rah

I am about as crafty at the card table as I am in the kitchen. Which puts me somewhere in the middle as a wanna-be with room for improvement. When my friend Amy encouraged her blog friends to consider crafting on nellielovesvintage, I decided to oblige. This crispy-cool Sunday morning, Marge & I wrapped, snipped & tied bright yarn pom-poms until our cup runneth over.

Check your expiration dates, tomorrow I'm back with something mold-y.

WTF?!? Friday

WTF is mingling in this stock pot? Never mind the basket, this dish looks like it's no picnic to me.

Phallic Food is the Wurst

Yesterday, I was tugging at your heartstrings.
Today, it's your gag reflex.

I snatched up Better Homes & Garden's Jiffy Cooking at a flea market yesterday for a quarter. [I got a handful of vintage m&ms out of the quarter machine, too]. And a few of the images in this '67 cook book are priceless. It's like Freud did the food styling.

So, make sure the kids aren't peering over your shoulder, and have a look-see for yourself -

Spare me the asparagus tonight, honey. I've got a headache.

Meet Jack.

Heirlooms are one thing. Halloween Heirlooms are something else altogether. And when a friend shares something fabulous - and a little bit freaky - with you, it gives you a warm glow. Not unlike a jack-o'-lantern.

This paper mache pumpkin perfection was thoughtfully passed along to me from a dear friend. It belonged to the brother of her dear grandmother. It doesn't matter that it is vintage [fantastically vintage - Halloween is my favorite holiday]. It matters that it was important to someone. And I know who that someone was.

Do your holiday decorations have a story?

Moldy Monday

What in the hell is lounging inside this gelatinous loaf?

Just guess.

Fuzzy Navel

You'll find no lint in peaches' belly buttons. All the more reason to bake with them.

So I grabbed a few of their fuzzy navels and proceeded to consult the Women's Club Leaders in Kansas, Nebraska, North Dakota & South Dakota's 1966 Favorite Recipies of the Great Plains Desserts Edition cook book for answers on my whats and hows on these fleshy fall fruits [wow - that almost sounds dirty]. And the ladies led me plainly, and simply, to the recipe for Mrs. Ferne Combs...



PEACH DESSERT
2 c sugar
Butter
1 egg
1/2 c milk
2 c plus 2 tbsp flour
4 tsp baking powder
Fresh sliced peaches [I used 3 biggies & shaved 'em]

Cream 1/2 cup sugar, 1 tablespoon butter and egg. Sift 2 cups flour with baking powder; add milk and stir into creamed mixture. Pat onto bottom and sides of greased deep baking dish [preferably pyrex, people]. Sprinkle one cup sugar and remaining flour over bottom. Arrange peaches over sugar mixture; sprinkle with remaining sugar and dot with butter. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 to 40 minutes to achieve this:

[Thanks, sweet OLD Mrs. Combs, but why didn't you remind me to use the baking powder in the instructions? Had I put 2 + 2 together on a Saturday evening, I would have remembered. No such luck this weekend...that said: add the 4 tsp of baking powder to the sifted flour to avoid baking a brick!]

This dessert was peachy. Keen. But when it comes to full flavor, falls somewhere in-between meh and marvelous! I'm not one to point fingers [Mrs. Combs] but the baking powder would have improved the texture. Until them, I'll use the modern marvel of the microwave to soften my servings.

Macabre Kitsch.

Every housewife's fantasy.

Every working man's nightmare.

[designed with me in mind]

My friend Dally, midwest resident artist of zombie kitsch, is a little bit Vincent Price & a little bit Vincent Van Gogh. And he sells the demons in his head on cotton t's and onesies. Find his
Art from the Basement on facebook. You'll want to score a quirky serving of his gore.

Summer. Where did yours go?

Mine was spent with my little league infielder.

And my big league chewer.


What have you been up to?

About Face

I hope you haven't been looking down your nose at me during my kitsch hiatus. Especially if you have a honker like these guys Marge & I picked up at the farmer's market last night.

Know how some say, "you're so cute! I could eat your face!"

We did. [the eggplant's - not Marge's]

Cinco

That's about how many beers would go perfectly with these*:& these:

Hope you snuck in a siesta so tonight you may fiesta!

*Cinnamon Crispos
1 pkg carb-heavy tortillas
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup cinnamon
1-2 cups veggie oil

Cut tortillas into wedges. Fry in hot oil [med-high heat] for mere seconds. Drain on paper towel. Fill paper bag with sugar & cinnamon mix; add chips. Shake like a cocktail. Nosh. Chase with ice cold brews!

Kitschen 101

Yesterday was Sparks.
My bi-annual flea market bliss.

After spending 5 beautiful spring hours strolling through "venders" [hey, it's Kansas], we were spent. But not before I spent $5 on this fantastic SRA [remember the reading program, friends?] card choc full of kitsch.

[toes shown to illustrate scale, and a decent pedicure]

I wish I could come home with the whole stack. But this...this will absolutely do.

From Richard, with love

I have been a fan of the iconic Richard Simmons from his groundbreaking Deal-a-Meal infomercial days, through his antics on Letterman's Late Shows, and every cameo in between. Lucky me! Last fall, I got to give him a hug.

[this is not the most flattering shot of either of us, I assume]

Fast forward to our family field trip this weekend, where I happened on The #1 National Bestseller Never-Say-Diet Book for just over a buck. I had to indulge myself.


So, what lies beyond the cover?
Here, let me show you. Richard won't mind. Because his life is an open book.

There are exercises, like this:

[Vowel Stretchers, for your trouble neck and mouth spots, sore from all the chewing]

And this:

[Tootsie Rolls; drop and give Richard 150, from cheek-to-cheek]

And so many more fantastic, tights-and-t-shirt toning and flexing moves that I wish I had time to post them all.

In addition to sage advice [honestly, his straight-shooting circa 1980 is ridiculously relevant still today], Richard offers up recipes that rival those found in any fitness mag:

Yogurt Garlic Dressing
1 cup low-fat plain yogurt
1 teaspoon fresh lime juice
1 minced clove garlic
2 tablespoons parsley, chopped
1 tablespoon chives, chopped
1/2 teaspoon ground pepper
Put all ingredients in a bowl and blend well with a whisk.

Hey, it's how a fella keeps his gams gorgeous from retro to right now!

[Yes, those are Richard's man-t-hose!]

And remember, per Richard, you have all of the ingredients for your own Success Recipe:

Self Love
A Positive Attitude
and Determination

Hey, it's cheesy - but this cheese is low-fat.
Thanks, Richard - love ya from your 'fro to your big toe!