Night of the Living Squash

Don't be a square this Halloween and carve a traditional pumpkin. That's so droll.

Instead, implement produce and re-invent one of these psycho squash from Better Homes & Gardens Holiday Cook Book (c) 1959*:Outer-space Man [neighbors will likely question what planet you're from if you carve one]
For this man from Mars, cut V-shaped lid off pumpkin...continue line to form V-shaped eyes, as shown. Place big ripe olives where eyes meet. Cut nose with potato parer. Cut mouth; poke in twisted-macaroni teeth. Ears are carrots, halved lengthwise, fastened with toothpicks. curly carrot tops make hair.

Slap-happy Sam [take a day off work for this one]
Pick a squash and fashion this jolly comic [define jolly]. First cut opening in back of squash - stop stays intact. Scoop out. With apple corer, carve eyes and teeth (easy if you sketch features on first). Finish eyes, mouth with paring knife. For tongue, anchor half a large radish in mouth with toothpick. Cut nose and push piece out slightly at bottom; secure with toothpicks. Makes strands of hair with carrot tops or fluffs of parsley. For jaunty hat: cut a hole in paper coaster and push over stem. Glue an upside-down nut cup atop to form the crown.

Daffy Devil [is this an oxymoron or what? ]
Light a candle inside this pumpkin-head and set in window to greet little "tricksters," or use it to keynote a Fall buffet [or not]. Chose a tall pumpkin. Cut the lid V-shape with the point in front. Remove contents. Cut triangular features as shown. From the eye cutouts, carve flat triangles and pivot slightly in openings so they project for eyelids [what? why? wrong.]; secure with toothpicks. Cut mouth; attach mouth piece with pins or toothpicks to form lower lip [again, wrong]. Attach small leafy celery stalks for eyebrows. Toothpick big carrots in place for horns.

Goblin Girl
...I'm sharpening my knives. Set your kitschen timer for tomorrow.

*with the exception of sarcasm, these detailed, deranged directions are verbatim from bh&g